By J. P. Bone
Dateline: January 30, 2017
WASHINGTON D. C. – Two weeks after being sworn in as the 45th President of the United States, Hillary Rodham Clinton — the nation’s first female Chief Executive — made history again when the U.S. House of Representatives impeached her.
The vote by Congress, passed along party lines, created yet another bizarre twist in an election year historians are already describing as “The Game of Thrones.”
“I tried to warn you,” former Republican candidate Donald Trump shouted in the opening segment of his new show on Fox, Der Führer! “Believe me, Hillary Clinton will be writing her memoirs this time next year. She’s gonna call it ‘The Godmother.'”
Ms. Clinton was impeached for “lying to Congress about the content of electronic communications while she was Secretary of State, obstruction of justice, and for wearing unfashionable pants suits,” according to official documents.
“This is just a Republican effort to tarnish the historic election of the nation’s first woman president,” former Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi said. “More absurd machinations after creating an unprecedented circus atmosphere and then totally wimping out!”
The impeachment of Ms. Clinton follows what virtually all pundits agree was an uproarious presidential campaign, one where Republican standard-bearer Donald Trump, in a fit of pique, unexpectedly withdrew from the race one week before Election Day.
In a campaign that did not lack for drama, the really bizarre twists and turns began when Mr. Trump, five percentage points behind in the polls, canceled what would have been the final televised presidential debate.
“I must tell you, folks, I would rather share a stage with Satan, or even my first wife, than have to sit across from that bitch again,” Mr. Trump said on Fox News. “It’s sickening, really, to be anywhere close to the Clintons. There’s something about them, really. It’s as if they are infectious, diseased. You know? I can’t put my finger on it, but then again, who would want to?”
A torrent of criticism from Republicans came gushing in, including Speaker of the House Paul Ryan. “Honestly I don’t know what planet Donald Trump comes from,” Mr. Ryan said, “but in my neck of the woods, even a candidate for city council would never stoop to such depths in a campaign. Sure, we all know the Clintons are corrupt, depraved, narcissistic, and power hungry. But calling Sec. Clinton the “B” word? That’s a bridge too far. There is a limit to what our party can endure, and Mr. Trump is rapidly approaching that limit…”
An hour later, Trump tweeted, “That’s it! I’ve had enough! #kissmyass.
Later that day, Sept. 24th, reporters surrounded Mr. Trump as he left a pre-scheduled luncheon with Pentagon officials at the Trump Midas Touch Restaurant in New York. A dozen journalists and fifty-six bloggers shouted the same question: “Did you actually withdraw from the campaign?” Mr. Trump answered curtly: “What, are you all morons? I am getting my ass out of this entire bullshit game. And I have a very nice ass, too, an excellent ass that beats the hell out of Hillary’s. Just ask my wife. But I’m done with this. Believe me I have better things to do — many many extremely successful businesses to run and lots and lots of money to make, unlike you low-energy losers.”
Despite Trump’s astonishing withdrawal, the election, to use a Trumpism, was unbelievably close, with Clinton finishing just behind write-in candidate Bernie Sanders, and four percentage points ahead of Mr. Trump. Voter turnout — a stunning 38 percent of those registered — marked an all-time low.
The Electoral College proclaimed Ms. Clinton the victor by voice-vote — also a first. Electors supporting other candidates arrived too late to object. “What the heck, they changed the meeting time and didn’t tell anyone but Hillary’s supporters,” newly elected Congressman Josh Ng complained. He was reportedly shown the door.
Despite all the twists and turns, the election of the first female President of the United States was widely lauded by world leaders. “Finally the last glass ceiling has been shattered!” declared Queen Elisabeth from the balcony of Buckingham Palace, in an unusual departure from royal convention.
German Prime Minister Angela Merkel joked, “It will be nice to finally have someone to accompany me to the lady’s room during those dreadful negotiations with all those macho men — old guys trying very hard to cover up their testosterone loss.”
Ms. Clinton’s victory established many historic “firsts”: the first woman elected President of the United States; the first time a former president’s spouse sat in the Oval Office; first commander-in-chief banned from viewing top secret intelligence; and now, 14 days into her first term, the first time two presidents from the same family faced trial in the U.S. Senate, both accused of committing High Crimes and Misdemeanors.
Former president Bill Clinton was impeached by the House of Representatives on two charges — perjury and obstruction of justice — Dec. 19, 1998. The Senate acquitted him of the charges on Feb. 12, 1999, one hundred and ninety years after the birth of Abraham Lincoln.
The impeachment of Ms. Clinton follows an uproarious presidential campaign, one where Republican standard-bearer Donald Trump and Ms. Clinton played a dangerous game of one-upmanship.
“We should have known that anything goes after Trump picked Caitlyn Jenner as his running mate, and Hillary tried to add a little salsa to the ticket choosing George Lopez,” Bill Maher chuckled. “It was definitely tit for tat. Yes it’s a golden era for comedians.”
During the course of the campaign, a Republican PAC called LGBTQ (R), endorsed Mr. Trump. Not to be outdone, Ms. Clinton held an unprecedented press conference with rock star and 60s icon Yoko Ono.
“I’m proud to have had a wonderful relationship with Yoko,” Ms. Clinton said with a twinkle in her eye. Ms. Ono smiled coyly, later remarking, “We are definitely entering a new era when we can elect the first woman and — well Hillary’s election will mean other firsts as well.”
Other 2016 election “highlights” include a Trump fundraiser featuring his wife, Melania, performing an exotic striptease. “Now that’s transparency!” Trump quipped; fisticuffs between then-candidate Jenner and Vice President Lopez during their second debate after the former comic declared the Trump/Jenner economic plan “kind of like a sex change: you lose the balls and keep the boobs”; former President Bill Clinton admitting he texted photographs of his penis to his wife’s former chief-of-staff Huma Abedin (“I was trying to school her husband, that’s all,” Bill declared).
“Things are getting curiouser and curiouser,” remarked former president Barack Obama during the monologue on his newly launched late night TV Show, “The Obama Files.” “We really went down the rabbit hole this time. What’s next?”
The U. S. Senate is scheduled to begin the trial of President Clinton March 15 — the Ides of March.
Copyright © 2016, by J. P. Bone